Just a little revolution

– this is an edited version of an old myspace blog post –

i’m incredibly jaded about the political process.

i have a little theory about becoming a ‘professional’ in pretty much any field – once you’ve seen the insides, the guts, of anything, you never see the outside the same again.

for example, i am a totally different person, politically, than i was when i got involved years ago. i would once get souped up about some dark horse candidate, coming from behind, fighting the system for ‘what’s right’…

or i’d get all fired up about a movement in the social world that gained enough steam to catch the attention of the mouthpiece media, and thing change was coming.

the fact is that no one can use the system to beat the system.

now let me state that in my humble opinion, America is the best option on the planet for a country to live in… having said that, i don’t believe this is the best we can do…

but we are waaaaay too far down the road to turn back now. the changes that need to be made are systemic – meaning (to me) that the system would have to be taken offline to be fixed.

obviously this is not something that could be done without violence, and violence won’t be an option until things get bad enough for enough people. only then would the ends truly justify the means.

and we are obviously no where near there for enough people.

so the goal, in my opinion, for anyone with the interest and curiosity and mindset to want change, is to keep talking and discussing and writing down the problems… work out solutions… and be open-minded to being wrong and having your ideas sculpted…

because one day changes will come – big changes – and the best thing to do is to have as many solutions as possible worked out so that when the day comes, future revolutionaries can look back and see the TRUTH…

this is what this electronic access we all have now is so good for… it is the perfect place to exercise the free market of ideas. . . we can use our voices to speak out, to encourage discussion and ideas for future changes.

that is no excuse for not getting involved today. all politics are local, and local politics often are all that matter. if you want to change the world, you truly do have to start in your neighborhood.

forget about this commercial politics b.s. – the national political scene is among other things a business endeavor and a canvas for every idiot with a few dollars to spread their sorry excuse for propaganda…

i mean, don’t you feel a little insulted at the lack of thought they put into this crap these days? i feel like every time i watch a commercial political circus act i am being called an idiot…

protect yourself from getting jaded by knowing right here, right now, that very little changes… not much at all…

take the little victories when you can get them…

A little revolution now and then is a good thing; the tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants. (1787)

– Thomas Jefferson

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Fireplace Face

My head is on fire. Every nite I lay awake with blaring images and screaming memories insisting I relive waking nightmares. I want to sleep but I also fear dreaming. I break the train wreck with music, television, and books.

T-h-e-y D-o N-o-t W-o-r-k.

Every nite I relive a waking nightmare and fear dreaming.

I have moved through subcultures like a ghost. I have moved through cities like traffic. I have moved through houses, cars, and lives like a man on fire with a fireplace face.

Shame

Another post from the new recovery period of my life… written around 2 years ago.

Well, I know this one. You know this one. All junkies know this one. Its the one that keeps you going, whatever direction that may be… its the one that takes you to 12 steps, sometimes the one that makes you leave. Its the one that keeps you sick or makes you well. Its the one that seems the most unavoidable… the one string, link, connection, that we ALL have; all junkies are full of shame. Shameful.

Is it what we’ve done? Is it what we felt like we had to do? Is it what we almost did? Is it what others think we should or shouldn’t do or be or say or think or write or WANT?

I want to be high. Sometimes. But when I say it I don’t. I don’t care. As much. That’s the funny thing about shame, it can only exist in 2 places: Either inside our head, where we perceive right or wrong or others’ perceptions, and out in the open around the judging, the judges, those that don’t understand, or even worse, those that do.

But, in our head, if we don’t apply right or wrong, if we don’t try to guess what others are thinking, or even better we don’t care (because our shame will not change history or judgement); if we don’t listen when others judge, after we’ve repented, after we’ve sought redemption…

If we could just understand ourselves, and accept ourselves, and seek redemption and then REDEEM ourselves from the judgement of others…

If, or should I say when, this happens, then and only then can we free ourselves from the shame that drives our sickness.

Without shame our past strengthens us. Without shame our future invites us forward. Without shame the here and now are both ok. Without shame we are not who we think we are, we are merely who we are. Perhaps without shame we are no longer junkies?

Soul Sucker (another old post)

This was originally written July 26th, 2008… which actually had a poem I had written years before, Tragicomedy, … my MySpace blog is slowly fading away… copy and paste, takes seconds during a break…

Soul Sucker

  I feel my body drooping from an attack. My blood is pumping hard, trying to rush necessary survival chemicals to my brain. I had mistaken my senses alerting me to run for those that elude pain. Being swallowed into a swirling storm of chaos draws me close to a fire that does not want to be extinguished.

    I was mislead, but more than that, I miscalculated. I trusted where none was warranted; I believed when to do so would be foolish; I gave my precious energy and in doing so fell spriraling into a black hole.

    My mind told me countless times, but I based my actions on faith in someone else. I believed they could be good-hearted. That behind all that take was some give.
   
    TRAGICOMEDY

Imagine looking up
from the top
down
from the bottom

Tossed into confusion
too confusing

The swirls of euphoria
descend into pain
intertwining
combining
the top, the bottom

I lose myself
in time
in rhyme
sublime
suffering

I chase rabbits freely
sweetly knowing
nothing.

allen p.

Old Post – I Just Am (see page on old posts until I figure out the technology)

glad to be alive. no radical word scattering. no emoting. not even gonna use my shift key.

instead i’m just reflecting on how nice today is; surrounded by a great family, good friends, and a nice calm air.

got the lights down, jazz playing, sitting on a comfy couch kicked back. i can hear a few muffled outside noises coming from the window next to me.

there’s a slight cool edge bending out from the window pane. i imagine seeing my breath and pull the quilt up and snuggle in just a little more. but its warm in here, and cozy like an old maroon sweatshirt.

the dog, katie, opens one eye when i lean up to get my coffee, then she rolls over and huffs. she will be back to sleep in seconds. i breathe in, deeply, and enjoy a sip of warm, dark coffee.

my mind drifts back to my past, and i feel a slight twinge of sadness. i miss my dog, bailey, i think, looking over towards katie as i take another sip. but i’m brought back to the present, where i know that i know that bailey is exactly where he’s supposed to be.

and so am i. i settle back into my peace, and know.

i know that i have promises to keep, and miles to go before i sleep. i know that i still have to pay for yesterday, and that tomorrow looms. i know that i am still waiting on love’s soothing backwards glance.

but now, right now, i am just here, doing this, and i couldn’t be any happier.

i am just here.

i just am.